Light Of Christ

Is it strange to say that I met God in the church parking lot when I was a child? God was in the light. I saw the light in a moment of clarity where all things fell into place and I understood. The moment where I believed what my life should be. That moment has never left me. The light was not God, but the light was from God and God was in the light. It was underneath and within and between everything. The light filled all that I saw and all I could see was the light.

I feel like I've told that story so many times before. Oh well. Endlessly repeating myself is kind of my forte.

In class tonight we talked about Eastern Orthodox mysticism. I started learning about Orthodoxy a few years ago and, in some ways, found an unexpected friend. For one thing, it's nice to find a tradition that can make at least some sense out of why I sometimes cry at the overfullness of Eucharist. It doesn't make it less embarrassing, but I'll take what I can get. It's nice to find a tradition where devotion to the Light of Christ is normal. Given these things, it's really a shame I haven't read my Philokalia in the last while. I should get back to that.

Learning about the mystics and reading their work makes me wish I was a better person. In the course of my life, I've failed God so many times. In the examples of the Saints, we see what's possible, the kind of life God calls us to live, and I can't help but feel wanting.

The church has given me so much, and I wish I could give something back but, really, what can I do? Nothing. I feel like I'm wandering, trying to find a place for myself that doesn't exist, and that I am not worthy or capable of being anything other than I am. There's that pesky despair again. It's ionic to feel that in some ways one has been given so much while at the same time finding oneself bereft of a means to share the blessings God has so abundantly given. What's the point in having something if it can't be shared or given away?

Since I've got nothing else, I'll include a song that was in the Vespers service I put together in memory of Fr. Lowe.

A hymn to the Light of Christ

Daylight has seasons,
sleeping at the dawning of night;
sunlight has shadows
hidden in the midst of its brightness
yet the darkness never overcomes
the shining of that radiant light
as our Lord is not overcome
shining His love in our lives.

Life has its seasons,
fading at the end of the day;
roads have their endings
turning off at the wayside
yet a new path always opens
leading to green valleys and fields
where the Good Shepherd leads us
to rest at the end of our days.

Daylight has seasons,
waking at the slumber of night;
darkness hides shadows
revealing the presence of sunlight
in our darkest days we turn to Him
shining so radiant and bright
revealing the treasure
of His love in our lives.