Will I Follow Him?

My parish priest lent me a book, "Desire: The Journey We Must Take to Find the Life God Offers," written by John Eldredge. In the first chapter, he quotes someone who says, "When the desire is too much to bear, we often bury it beneath frenzied thoughts and activities or escape it by dulling our immediate consciousness of living. It is possible to run away from the desire for years, even decades, at a time, but we cannot eradicate it entirely. It keeps touching us in little glimpses and hints in our dreams, our hopes, our unguarded moments."

He also quotes C.S. Lewis: "I knew only too well how easily the longing accepts false objects and through what dark ways the pursuit of them leads us."

False objects, false desires...sometimes I feel like I know what he's talking about only too well. I tell myself every day that what I really want to do with my life is teach. I get enthusiastic about things, which helps other people get enthusiastic, too. I love sharing things with people, which is part of the reason I never shut up. I like helping people. When I talk about teaching, people tell me I'll be good at it.

I went to graduate school on the premise that I could be a CEGEP teacher if I get this degree. When I think about teaching, I believe that it could make me reasonably happy because it's a meaningful job and I should be reasonably proficient at it.

The problem is, I don't want to be a teacher in any all-consuming way. I know that even if I settle into it, it won't make me happy in the sense of being contented. That's part of the reason I hate graduate school - because I don't feel right about it, I don't feel that this is really where I'm supposed to be in my life. I was uncomfortable last year, and now the feeling is one that at times I can't stand. Of course, being assaulted in second year and becoming dependant on powerful psychiatric medications probably didn't help matters, but still.

The point is that even though I feel this way I'm still trapped, because there really isn't any other option available to me. Why drag yourself out of the rut you've settled for if there's nowhere else to go, right?

At another place in this same chapter, Eldredge talks about how important those moments in life are where things seem to fall into place. The most powerful of those moments for me was when I was a girl in the parking lot at church. I felt like, for one perfect moment, everything was as it should be, was perfectly clear and made perfect sense. The whole space was filled with bright, warm yellow light, and I felt so completely happy. It's a feeling that nothing else can compare to. (shall I compare thee to a summer's day?)

That was the day I believed I was going to be a priest. It was many, many years ago and the light often seems very far away. But I also understand Eldredge's point about the recurrence of a deep desire, because it has continued to torment me throughout my life. I say 'tormenting' because, like any impossible dream, it is a thing which cannot be grasped. Like any impossible dream, I both must learn to put it aside and don't want to let go of it.

My parish priest lent me the book because I was saying I felt arrogant I mean, what the hell, who do I think I am volunteering to preach and stuff? Why did I think I can do that? After the moment of inspiration is over, it feels like a pretty arrogant thing.

He told me that it wasn't, and that this kind of inexplicable desire needs to be trusted as coming from God, and I should just go for it.

On Sunday, he told the congregation that I'd be speaking this coming week, that I was 'sitting quietly over there,' and I started feeling really nervous and insecure, and I realized that, maybe, desire can sometimes feel like anything but.