I Heard The Bells

Many times throughout my life, I’ve thought about becoming a religious. There are many reasons for this. One of them is that it would be a newer, better vocation – that is, one I could actually pursue. Another is that I think it’s beautiful. Another is that it would give me an opportunity to better exercise the contemplative disciplines to which I am drawn.

One big reason was, once again, driven home today. I like to pray. It makes me feel happy and fulfilled, and I enjoy it. Hence, I like quiet. It’s difficult to find that kind of quiet in my home. So, many times, quite naturally, I have dreamed of silent halls filled only with the sound of bells calling me to and from various duties.

I have dreamed of being able to pray without being interrupted by someone asking me something, yelling at me that they want me to do something, people walking in on me or expecting me to answer them. It is a selfish desire, I know, but I really do want twenty-minute pieces of time for myself and God. Often, my chronic exhaustion is due to the fact that in order to have the silence and privacy necessary for serious meditation I have to either get up insanely early or stay up ridiculously late. It makes it difficult to live out the rest of my life in the world. I also recognize that the amount of time I attempt to spend in prayer makes it difficult to live my life in a normal fashion. I secretly resent not being able to pray as much as I want, a resentment that makes my quest for inner peace fraught with additional struggle.

I have dreamed of being able to say grace at dinner without people making fun of me and distracting me, without ridicule, without anger and insult, without worrying that something will be thrown at my head. So, of course, I’ve dreamed about going to a community where prayer is both corporate and private, where God is built into the rhythm of the day, where prayer is recognized as an important and vital part of life.

So yes, I’ve definitely thought about it. I’ve prayed that this would be my vocation. I’ve wished for this life. However, after much discernment it is apparent that any sort of traditional religious life in community is not something I’m suited for. The reason is both simple and staggeringly complicated in its design:

Can anyone guess which of the three Evangelical Vows I’d NEVER be able to keep? Please, please take a guess!