You Said It, You Weirdo (or, the year in review)

Based on my calculations, I started this blog one year ago. In keeping with the annual-vestry-meeting theme going on at my church, I’ve decided to reflect on the past year. (Question: what is a vestry? It sounds like a place for the priest to get dressed. In which case, is the name of the meeting a metaphor for catching the priest half out of his robes and crowding in on him while he’s still partway between worlds – Mass and Coffee Hour?) [please excuse my gendered language]

In honor of my theme, I went back and read the first entry I posted. Wow, is it weird! I’ve never really read it before. I know that sounds bizarre, but when I wrote it it was more like something was pouring through me than like I was creating something…If only I could blame alcohol! Ah well, you live and learn.

In many ways, this blog testifies to the fact that I’ve accomplished almost nothing of substance. I still feel adrift. I still feel like I need to learn more about this place I’m drifting to, and I still don’t know how. I still feel as though I’m caught partway between worlds, in some ways crowded about by observers and commentators while I’m not quite ready to know where I stand.

It’s been a difficult year, personally, though no darkness is completely without light. I still have great difficulty getting the words ‘please help me’ out of my mouth, which is ironic since I can be somewhat aggressive in my helping of people. I guess I have to ask myself whether I really want to be helped by someone, or whether what I really want is to be alone in it, because I’m comfortable here. Sometimes I am afraid that if I really allow myself the self-indulgence of asking someone to understand and be supporting, I’ll end up in the pieces of myself that I’ve tried so hard to hold together.

Oh well, there’s always next year.

The ‘cards’ give me cryptic advice, as I read them. In my family, I need to look carefully within people and learn to see what is good and beautiful about them (I have someone particular in mind, but that’s neither here nor there). I also need to discover my own emotions so I can connect better with people, and maybe learn to see the good in that as well. I guess you could say I should try to be more optimistic and have a sunny disposition, generally making me a happier and more playful person, basically like I was before I went so spectacularly crazy.

Thinking of money and stuff, I have to think carefully and always doubt, keeping in mind the idea that I may have made mistakes. I’m pretty sure that has nothing to do with my investments, which are pretty darn secure. What I think this is about is more like not letting the things I’ve done or decided to do before dictate my way forward simply by momentum (I have a certain warm-and-fuzzy obsession in mind here, but that’s neither here nor there). Thinking carefully and acting with more common sense is important so I don’t piss other people off. I think I need to be careful in my relationships with others and not get swept away, kind of like I was before I went so spectacularly crazy.

I also need to be careful that the things I have don’t end up bogging me down so that I’m trapped in them (again, the obsession). I need to take some initiative in terms of getting out of that. Two messages on the same thing: that’s a pretty clear sign. I do need to have some more ambition in other areas, so that I can accomplish what other people want for my life, on my behalf (I’m thinking that I need to finish my thesis, but that’s neither here nor there).

My dealings with the world and the things in it need to be more generous. Um. Maybe I’m spending too much time praying, to the neglect of everything else? But I like prayer…right now I’m quite fond of the Office of Readings. Alternately, maybe I just need to learn to cut people a little more slack (I’m thinking of someone specific, but that’s neither here nor there). Also, maybe be a little less judgmental in my dealings with church and whatnot, kind of like I was before I went so spectacularly crazy. This kind of shift should make me a better person. I think I need to work on all the ways I’m lacking.

If there is a theme, it’s that I need to return to a time when I was more fully myself, before I went so spectacularly crazy. (I went crazy after college, so it's been a while. I think in a way I like it here.) Although there’s pretty much always been a sort of sorrow following me around, since I was very young, I was also a lot happier. Enthusiastic about everything. Scary smart-ish, and also kind of a class comedian (ah, Chemistry class!!). More importantly, optimistic about my life, ambitious, totally in love with God, extremely emotional, joyful, and a lot better at rebounding from various horrible things.

Yep, I think I want that Kat back. I think I found part of her when I lit that glow-stick last weekend. It was blue. Believe it or not, despite my general inertia which I discussed earlier, I’ve actually been working on this part quite intensively. I’m confident that when all the side-effects of my efforts fade away – which shall henceforth be referred to as ‘the plan’ – things will become sunny again.

[update added way way later whe no one will even see it: I should probably tell you that the reason I've been so fucked up recently is because a few months back I was raped again. By another professor. So that makes two. Except this time we'd been seeing each other, and I told him I didn't want to have sex that day, and he did it anyway after the meds I was taking basically knocked me out. So I guess it's date rape. Haven't really said anything about it because it's humiliating].