Something Or Other

I haven’t been posting much lately (duh) and I really don’t have much to say now. This is the consequence of the life I’ve been living – or, rather, not living. While I finally made it back to evening prayer, I haven’t been going to church Sundays, or any other days of the week.

I haven’t received Eucharist since October 2nd. I’ve had opportunities – like when I went to the Anglocatholic church for All Souls – and I’ve let them pass by me. The thing is that, when I think about it, I don’t really care. I care very much about my reasons for not going, which are manifold and complex, difficult to explain clearly. If I just had hand puppets I’m sure I could do it: everything is clearer once you’ve seen it in the hand puppets version.

Anyway, the point is I’ve not been going. The dude I’m supposed to be writing my thesis on condemns religious indifference as the cause of France’s social disintegration. Indifference is bad, because it undermines the possibility of doing everything else, or at least doing it well. To extrapolate, my blatant refusal of the Blessed Sacrament is corroding the rest of my life as a Christian. I can accept that: it feels true.

I just keep wondering to myself, Where is God when you need Him? I mean, really need Him, a question of life and death, a question of desperate need without which you’re afraid you’ll die.

Instead of going to church and looking for God, I’ve been attempting to psychoanalyze myself. With the emphasis on “attempting.” I assure you, I’m equally long-winded and pointless in everything I write, though I am sometimes capable of clarity and insight.

‘Look inside yourself and find God,’ St. Augustine said. Maybe this really is just another path to God. But that still doesn’t justify my non-attendance at Mass.

I’m going to attempt to go on Friday morning. Wish me luck!