Scripture Is Open To Interpretation

Mt 5:27-37
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to go into hell.

It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Again, you have heard it said that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but carry out the vows you have made to the Lord.’ But I say to you, Do not swear at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let your word be ‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, No’; anything more than this comes from the evil one.”

Read through a hermeneutic of…uh…relaxation, clearly what Jesus is saying is

If thou lookest at thy brother’s wife’s shoes and thou art beset by a grievous envy, in thy heart it is as though thou hast already procured them for yourself by immoral means.

Truly I say to thee, if thou hast possessions too numerous for thee, thou shouldest cast them aside; for it is better for thee to be wanting in possessions than to be thrown into the depths of bankruptcy because of thine excessive desire for them.

Truly I tell you, if thou hast disingenuous intimate relations, thou shouldest cast them away that lack in sincerity; for it is better for thee to lament the loss of thy beloved than to be flung into the abyss of scornfulness and vengeance.

If thou desirest to break up with thy partner, thou shouldest discuss it in the presence of their person, and not send such a missive in the manner of an electronic communication (excepting that thy relationship wast until this moment expressed solely in the manner of electronic communication and through no other means).

However, if thou desertest thy partner, thou art compelling them to alter their status of relationship on Facebook.
If thine ex-partner should engage in a novel relationship following directly from your desertion, thou didst compel them to alter their status of relationship on Facebook, which didst not pass unnoticed amongst thy common acquaintances and shall henceforth affect you also, and that thou didst this by compelling them reveal their status to potential suitors.
It was said of old that thou shalt not tell falsehoods nor make false promises in the name of the Lord. But truly I say to thee, that thou shouldest not embellish thy promises and thy word, nor shall thee secure thy promises by any thing except the value of thine own word; for all things belongeth to the Lord, even thine own self, and thou hast not the power to ransom them against your own word. Speak always only the truth, with clarity and without accessory, for to do otherwise is to succumb to the ways of the devil.


Verily, reader, thou art charged with the task of imparting this missive anon to all thine acquaintances, for it is verily a novel rendering of the words of our Lord.
Aroint with it then.

Also, I think this is a lovely occasion to reprint something you may have already seen:

Why I Hate Proof-texting

I hate proof-texting: that much has been established. Proof-texting is any time someone pulls from the Bible a passage which provides ready-made proof of the position with which they agree – or anytime proof is found that the contrary position is, indeed, incorrect.

I disagree with the practice of proof-texting because it does not acknowledge the Bible's textuality. A text is not simply a bunch of words on paper: it is a living thing, existing to be actively read. There can be no passive reader of a text, because a text is not actualized unless it has been fully engaged; a text cannot live unless it is constantly being read anew, vertically, through all its nuances as a being in relationship with the reader. There is a dynamic quality to a text, a flow, movement, and vibrancy. A text cannot breathe if it is not dynamic, is not vertically engaged, is not inhabited in a genuine quest for deep meaning. The text requires an always-returning, a re-reading, a new engagement which does not regard it as a static, lifeless thing.

When a person proof-texts, the Bible becomes a work, a purely horizontal thing which can be read linearly, a thing which does not admit of multiplicity, a static thing. You can search it for what you want, pull it out of the work – force it, if necessary – and take it home with you, never to return to the work again. You have abandoned the work but, worse yet, you have consumed it! The Bible becomes yet another object for our consumption, a one-dimensional thing without contradiction, tension, or life. The Bible becomes a commodity, bought and sold in the arena of understanding. But there is no real understanding, because the Bible, as text, has not been allowed to express itself, to speak, to be fully that which it is.

The Bible should never be made into a work. That would imply that it, as the word of G-d, is brought to us so that we can eat it, digest it, and throw it away without engaging fully in its complexity. That would imply that the word of G-d is one-dimensional, fundamentally lifeless. The Law, the Gospel, is written on our hearts, and our hearts are alive. A dead thing cannot be grafted onto a living; a static thing cannot bear the chances and changes of a heartbeat.

The word of G-d must be a text. Like an Icon, it is a window through which we enter into relationship with the Divine. In the context of right worship, it becomes alive through our engagement. It is written on our hearts because we do not simply look through it…we enter into being with it, vertically descending in its layers, allowing it to live and move and have its being. Always returning, always exploring, but never demanding, we come close to G-d in engaging the Bible as text. We cannot exploit it, or the richness falls away. We can never withdraw taking our goodies with us, or we lose the fullness to which we are called. G-d wants a relationship, a continual renewal, a continual engagement with His living Truth.

That is why I hate proof-texting: it denies the possibility that G-d speaks once but that I can hear Him twice, that that power belongs to G-d (Ps 62).